her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
