we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
