I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
