Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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