fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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