My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
