People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
