my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
