Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
