I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
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Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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