I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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