A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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