I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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