Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
