Cold hands, warm shart.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
