Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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