the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Randomize
