If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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