I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You pole danced in your parka.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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