this beer tastes like vomit already
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
