Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
