I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
