Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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