i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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