He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
