your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize