Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
