I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
