uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
barbara walters just said penis...
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
