I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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