i permit you to call me
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
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