What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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