So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
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The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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