wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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