were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
