She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
