Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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