I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Randomize
