when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
