so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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