he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
