ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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