dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
