oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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