i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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