if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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