it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Randomize
