Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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