someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
