I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
