So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
