god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
