the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
