highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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