ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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