I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
